The Great Regression

Family, friends, frenemies,

Let me tell you about the Great Regression. It hasn't happened yet, but scientists can predict it with uncanny accuracy. You know how it happens? Well, you see, when a man has lived 26 years of his life as a bachelor and then gets married, something marvelous happens. After a little while, he actually ENJOYS not being a bachelor. Well, when the spouse of said man goes on a... let's say 20 day, 2 hour, 35 minute vacation without him, there is an almost unavoidable potential for the Great Regression. That is, that man will regress into a degraded, depraved, and untamed bachelor state.

Sarah and the babelet are going out of town next week. You see, such an experience, if of a short duration, might encourage Zach to be optimistic and try and find enjoyment in his loneliness. Perhaps he would go to a few movies, go for a drive up the canyon, eat cereal and macaroni and cheese for every meal, and maybe even start up an old neglected video game (after clearing away the cobwebs and hurt feelings... if video games could have hurt feelings).  Normally, Zach could extract at least SOME enjoyment in-spite of the absence of two HUGE puzzle-pieces of his life.

You see, that's the problem. Normally such experiences CAN BE a great time BECAUSE they are short-lived. Man was never meant to be alone. Most of you might be nodding your head in agreement but let me illustrate the gravity of the possible outcomes.

Story #1:

Sarah pulls into the driveway after being gone for 20 days. She leisurely gets Adelaide out of the car, grabs a bag or two, and walks up the steps to the porch. As she reaches for the handle to the front door, she is suddenly aware of how dark it looks inside her home. That’s strange. I thought Zach would be home, she thinks. She gasps as she touches the handle. It’s ice cold!

Now, very concerned, she barrels through the front door. Air rushes through the doorway, as if the house itself was starving for oxygen and hadn't taken a breath in ages. Mist coalesces and hovers around her ankles. She can hear a pronounced drip, drip, drip deep within the caverns of her home. “Zachary!” She yells, now more concerned.

She hears a screech as a very large bat with the face of her husband flies out the door, never to be seen or heard from again.

Story #2:

Sarah pulls into the driveway after being gone for 20 days. She leisurely gets Adelaide out of the car, grabs a bag or two, and walks up the steps to the porch. The door is open just slightly… Pushing the door open she gasps at the sight, dropping her bags and nearly dropping the baby.

Zach is lying on the living room floor with boxes of macaroni and cheese strewn about. The room looks like a mad scientist’s lab; test tubes, burners, and various varieties of mac’n’cheese all over the kitchen table. Something is bubbling on the kitchen stove. Sarah runs to Zach and finds cheese oozing from his nose, mouth, and ears. She sees a syringe, clearly filled with Kraft Cheddar Explosion lying next to Zachary’s arm. He’s breathing, just barely.

Story #3:

Sarah pulls into the driveway after being gone for 20 days. She leisurely gets Adelaide out of the car, grabs a bag or two, and walks up the steps to the porch.  She opens the door and yells, “Zachary, we’re home.” Silence. “Zach?!” Strange, she thinks, I thought for sure he’d be home. Everything seems normal around the house, with of course, the exception that Zach and Copper are missing.

She puts Adelaide to sleep and calls Zach’s phone. It rings down the hallway. Why would he leave without his phone? She walks to the bedroom and picks his phone up to discover he has 17 missed calls and 3 missed messages. Ten of those missed calls and all of the messages are from a number she doesn’t recognize. She listens to the first message. Hi, Mr Averett? Yes, this is deputy Sharp from the Fort Collins PD. Someone turned in your wallet to the Police department downtown here. Do you mind coming by to pick it up? Also, er, the clothing they found with it?

Sarah clicks on the second message. Mr Averett, deputy Sharp here. We haven’t heard from you. Please call us immediately. We know it’s you who’s terrorizing the neighborhood, we have all the evidence we need, there’s no use running.

Third message. Mr Averett, if you don’t turn yourself in, we will be forced to tranquilize you and bring you and your dog in by force.

Suddenly very alarmed, Sarah redials the number from Zach’s phone. “Yes, deputy Sharp? My name is Sarah Averett. I just got home and – yes? Really? No, that can’t be, are you sure you have the right man? The animal shelter? But why the animal sh— Oh, sorry for interrupting. Yes, I’ll be right down.”

After piling a very sleepy and as a result, grumpy Adelaide into the car, Sarah makes her way to the Fort Collins animal shelter. Deputy Sharp is waiting for her, “Mrs Averett, I must say, you might be shocked by what you see.” He leads her inside. At first everything seems normal. You know, the typical sounds and smells of an every-day animal shelter. But as she turns the corner to the canine section, she is stunned to see a very naked and very feral Zach, running on all fours in the dog kennel, howling and barking with the other dogs.

Story #4:

Sarah pulls into the driveway after being gone for 20 days. She leisurely gets Adelaide out of the car, grabs a bag or two, and walks up the steps to the porch.  She opens the door to find Zachary standing there, emaciated and red eyed. She quickly puts Addi on the floor and Zach collapses into her arms. As she lowers all 98, sickly pounds of him to the ground, he whispers the last 5 words he will ever speak, "I missed... you... to... death...*long, drawn-out and dramatic exhale*"

These stories, of course would never happen! *Zach scoffs and hopes that this obvious statement hides the concern hidden behind his eyes*

Really though, I am a little concerned that the 20 days without my wife will turn me feral and wild, perhaps reverting to my old bachelor self, lonely and miserable, crying and rocking myself to sleep every night. Not that I did that as a bachelor or anything… What is a man to do?

I have plans. For example, I plan on working on projects around the house. I plan to go to the shooting range and finally find time to sharpen my marksman skills. I’m hoping to finally see a movie… in an actual theater… with actual popcorn in my arms. These things will be glorious and wonderful! Don’t get me wrong, I look forward to certain aspects of being a bachelor, but how do I prevent myself from morphing into Dracula? How do I stave off the mac’n’cheese overdose and subsequent rehab time? How do I prevent my wild adventures with Copper in the streets of Fort Collins? How do I NOT die from missing-itis?

I’d appreciate suggestions.

-The Mr.