baby number two.

i have always thought that with baby number two on the way, i would feel super sentimental about the actuality of addi no longer being my baby. don't get me wrong, i feel it to an extent, but not as raw as i expected it to be. which is funny, because last summer i felt completely different. i got a positive pregnancy test in june after we had been trying to get pregnant for several months and i was so stoked about it. but there was also a side of me that was surprisingly sad as i watched addi for those first few days. as far as i knew, our alone time together was ticking and i found myself anxious and nervous to add another baby to our family. would she feel replaced in any way? would she miss our days together, just the two of us? would she resent this baby? was i capable of taking care of two tiny humans when sometimes it felt like i was drowning with only one that was even semi-independent, compared to a newborn? i worried and stressed, but after a few days, that positive indicator slowly faded until i ended up with a blank pregnancy test in my hand. we believe it was a chemical pregnancy and i remember being so bummed about it, but a different part of me felt a little bit relieved. which, in turn, made me even more sad. i knew i wanted this to happen, so why these feelings?

flash forward two months and i was visiting my family in utah. something felt off and i took a pregnancy test to hopefully confirm my suspicions. sure enough, it was positive! i debated waiting to tell zach in person because i didn't think that a life-changing thing like this should just be discussed over the phone, but if you know me at all, you know that i am nowhere near that patient. instead, i saved a bunch of pictures of baby things from the internet - baby carrots, baby back ribs, a baby cow, baby corn, etc. - and texted them to him, one by one. it took him a minute to catch on, but once he did, he called me and we both celebrated in excitement! it was then that i realized i didn't have any of the previous feelings that i'd had in june. it was also then, that i knew the timing of this baby's birth was exactly what God wanted it to be. which would make sense, because in january of this year, things began to get super rough with addi and her sleep habits and tantrums. if it were my way, we would have had a baby last october, but i know that God knew i couldn't have handled a baby on top of the few difficult months we have had with addi. i am very grateful for that.

as i sit here with this baby boy in my belly that is due in less than two weeks, i can't help but feel pure excitement still, just like i did the day i found out i was pregnant with him. which i know is normal with a new baby, right? but i have also heard a lot of moms talk about the worry and anxiety that comes with baby number two. mostly for the reasons that i felt back in june. i feel total peace in knowing this boy is coming at the right time in our life. do i worry about the logistics of juggling two babies instead of one? yes. but i think that is totally normal too.

it is also common for people to say that they can't imagine there being enough love to go around between their current child and their new baby. i have to admit that i haven't really felt this. maybe in the beginning, but i already feel a special bond with this boy and already love him just as much as i love addi. i am excited to get to know him and can't wait to meet him!

as of now, i am hoping to go into labor naturally, but have thrown around the idea of being induced, since there is family coming into town and i tested positive for group b strep. any prayers that it happens naturally and uneventfully would be greatly appreciated!! <3

-the mrs.

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