dear baby a,

where to even start? i've had countless conversations with you in my head {and out loud}, but i have yet to write even one of them down. being pregnant is weird. my entire life {and especially after pinterest came about}, i've had this vision of what pregnancy would be like and how i would handle it:

i would take a picture every single week in the exact same outfit in the exact same place at the exact same time.
i would spend hours upon hours reading about everything there is to know about being pregnant/childbirth. ie. what i can and can't eat, best exercise moves, natural or epidural, etc.
i would have a closet full of the most adorable outfits and a whole trunk stuffed full of bows that i so easily made.
i would eat only the best of foods and work out every single day, so as not to get chubby.
i would write in my journal every day, documenting every movement and feeling of you in my belly and exactly how it all made me feel.

it's funny to see that list and to know i truly believed it'd be like that. i hate that i'm human and i'm not perfect at juggling time and cravings. this is how being pregnant with you has panned out so far:

up to date, i think i've taken maybe 4 belly pictures, with the last one being at 16 weeks - i'm now almost 24 weeks now. don't be mad.
i've bought two childbirth books - that's gotta count for something, right? i'm officially 17 pages into one of them that i started 3 and 1/2 weeks ago. as for reading about the best tips for pregnancy, i have three different apps on my phone that give me a short schpeel on what to do/not do. i guess it gets the job done.
your grandma has bought you loads of outfits, but as for me? i think i've bought you 3. don't get me wrong, they're so so cute, but i'm having a hard time spending money on them when i know you're going to be growing so fast when you're here! and i've made you one bow. that looks like poop. i wish i was a better crafter.
i'm sorry for the sugar overload lately, which i know you've noticed because you get more feisty every time i eat a piece of candy. i just can't seem to stop! i can feel myself putting on weight and it's not just the good weight either. i'll try to be better and eat healthier foods.
i've written in my journal twice during this entire pregnancy - the day i found out that it was for real and another day when i felt guilty for not doing it more.

i guess what i'm trying to say is - i'm sorry things didn't go as planned. sometimes i find that i've forgotten that i am even pregnant! that is until i have the sudden urge to pee when i know i just peed ten minutes ago. or when i catch a glimpse in the mirror of my big growing belly. or when i look at the scale and get disheartened to see that i weigh more than i've ever weighed before. i'm sorry i don't have every minute documented, so you can look back and see how much fun i had in your first stages of life. but just because it isn't documented, doesn't mean i'm not loving it. because i am. i love feeling you kick late at night and knowing that you're going to be a big time night owl - just like me. i love the way your dad gets when he talks about you - telling me how excited he is for you to be a daddy's girl and go on daddy-daughter dates and watch star wars together and go on your first camping trip. he even has your nickname picked out and he can't wait to use it. and i especially love envisioning the pretty little lady that i know you're going to be. i'm sorry i'm a little scatterbrained and forgetful, but always know this - i'll never forget to tell you i love you. not a single day of your life. hopefully that will help ease the blow of all of my many imperfections along the way.

we can't wait to meet you, little sweet pea. and until we do, keep growing healthy and strong.

love,
your mama